OT: Friday humor

[Theuns Smuts <theuns@LDP.CO.ZA>]

A WEEK AT THE GYM; ONE MAN'S STORY - 
  
Dear Diary... 
  
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. 
  
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team
25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. 
  
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! 
  
The club encouraged my to keep a diary to chart my progress: 
  
Monday: 
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. 
  
Woo Hoo! 
  
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after
five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time she was around. 
  
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! 
  
Tuesday: 
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! 
  
It's a whole new life for me. 
  
Wednesday: 
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. 
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of
a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that
my screams bothered 
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when 
she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the
hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too. 
  
Thursday: 
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, 
put me on the rowing machine - which I sank. 
  
Friday: 
I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it. 
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned
in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director? 
  
Saturday: 
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel. 
  
Sunday: 
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife
(the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a
vasectomy.

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