OT Friday humour

["Martens, Thomas" <Thomas.Martens@TFN.COM>]

There is a new virus - code name is "work".

If you receive "work", from your colleagues, your
boss, via e-mail or any one else, do not touch "work"
under any circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this
virus. Put on your jacket and take two good friends
and go straight to the nearest pub. 
Order three drinks and after repeating this process 14
times, you will find that "work" has been completely
deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5
friends. Should you realise that you do not have 5
friends, this means that you are already infected by
this virus and "work" already controls your whole
life.

And an Aussie email, even though I am not one...


I AM AN AUSSIE, SO WHO THE HELL ARE U? 
> > > 
> > > We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional > > > wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come
from 
> > > New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we

> > > reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. > > > 
> > > 
> > > We are One Nation but divided into many States. First, there's
Victoria, 
> > > named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the > > > realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, café latte, grand final day and big
horse 
> > > races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that > > > "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think

> > > it is too bloody cold and wet. 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, > > > thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital > > > Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud
of 
> > > it. It's mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their > > > cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate. 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the
family 
> > > that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra > > > chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the
sternest 
> > > faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the

> > > Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try. 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > South Australia is the province of half decent reds, a festival of 
> > > foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.
Where 
> > > else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as
in 
> > > Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had
the 
> > > Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula
One 
> > > drivers to sleep at the wheel. 
> > > 
> > > Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main > > > claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it
did, 
> > > all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was > > > the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work 
> > > there in the government and business. 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, > > > sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru
and 
> > > dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption
of 
> > > anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium > > > content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of

> > > our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly > > > over it on our way to Bali. 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a 
> > > document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting > > > that God probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect

> > > the next?? Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery. 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better. 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous
twists 
> > > and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in
our 
> > > lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in

> > > joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is > > > better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a > > > political party, albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million > > > votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're

> > > whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no > > > worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our
national> 
> > > attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if it's > > > about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a > > > sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in
the 
> > > world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby
league 
> > > and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have
the 
> > > biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst

> > > dressed Olympians in the known universe. 
> > > 
> > > Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than
an 
> > > ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no 
> > > security guards or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.... Stand > > > proud Aussies....We shoot, we root, we vote. 
> > > 
> > > We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. even though we might seem
a 
> > > racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel

> > > better for it. 
> > > 
> > > 
> > > You are, I am, we are Australian



"This communication is intended solely for the addressee and is confidential and not for third party unauthorised distribution."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The EXCEL-G list is hosted on a Windows NT(TM) machine running L-Soft
international's LISTSERV(R) software.  For subscription/signoff info
and archives, see http://peach.ease.lsoft.com/archives/excel-g.html .
                             COPYRIGHT INFO:
http://peach.ease.lsoft.com/scripts/wa.exe?SHOWTPL=COPYRIGHT&L=EXCEL-G